soulstirringexperiences

The journey never ends ...

2008-07-07T16:05:00.003+04:00

The soul takes it's form for a purpose...yet it's journey never ends.

Likewise my dearest blog 'Soul Stirring Experiences' came into my life two years back for a purpose which was for the healing of my soul !

I am now convinced that it's purpose is complete. It's time for the soul to take a new form and a new purpose. As I bid a good bye to my darling 'Soulstirring experiences' I want to thank the universe for it's existence in my life for the purpose it was set out to achieve and it successfully did. It shall always hold a special place in my life.

However for all those wonderful friends who shared each moment of my soul stirring exdperiences I would like to share about the new form this soul is taking this time and the journey it's setting of to ...

Yes it's 'http://nutsaboutlife.wordpress.com.'

I look forward to our paths meeting yet again in the soul's new journey !

The unshakeable ocean

2008-05-21T17:22:00.002+04:00

This morning I felt as though nature revealed to me a beautiful secret. As I sat by the sea side admiring the vastness of the ocean and wondering about it’s depth, something peculiar caught my attention. The ocean almost looked like it had 3 distinct colours. There was one patch of the ocean that looked like a dark, sad and dirty muddy brown, the other was a beautiful shimmering glamorous blue and the third a calm angelic white.

I was very intrigued by this peculiarity of the ocean and tried to understand why it seemed so. Just then I noticed the sky above that almost teasingly seem to break into a big naughty smile. The three distinct colours that I saw on the ocean where actually the refection of the sky above it . The dirty muddy brown patch was reflection of dark monsoon clouds, then there it was the clear blue sky that reflected it self making the ocean look like its was flaunting its glamour and youth and last but not the least the candy floss looking patch of white clouds that reflected the third calm angelic white ocean.

It was a beautiful sight. What really stuck me was the fact that ocean continued to do what it was needed to…flow aimlessly, make new waves, be expansive, stay calm in its depth, accept what was offered to it yet choose not keep anything within itself, be joyful and playful on it’s surface creating one wave after the other. My perception of what it really seemed, it’s darker side, its glamour or it’s calmness didn’t not bother the ocean. It just consistently continued to do what it was needed and meant do.

This unshakeable trait of the ocean just inspired me. It almost felt like nature shared its secret with me…telling me to keep flowing and continue to do what I was needed to do irrespective of what perception people around me had about my being and the choices I made

This unshakeable trait of the ocean just inspired me. It almost felt like nature shared its secret with me… Thank you my darling ocean for re-instilling my faith in believing myself and doing what my heart truly desired

The Bucket List

2008-05-10T16:14:00.000+04:00

Like it is rightly said about books, that ‘Books come to you only when you need them’ I would say that I can say the same about messages. Messages come to you from where ever and only when you need them. Messages from the universe that is. Today I got yet another one. I just watched the movie ‘The Bucket list’ . It’s funny how it got released a while ago and though I wanted to see it just couldn’t manage the time. I guess it was waiting for the right time to show up to me.

The Bucket list – It’s a story of two strangers who met at a hospital room and realize that they are terminally ill. Death wasn’t really far for both of them. There was nothing in common for them yet they decided to together do all the things they ever wanted to do before they die according to their Bucket list. In the process both of them heal each other and ultimately find joy in life.

I loved the idea of making a Bucket list …a list of things that you want to do before you hit the bucket. We all have this list ready in our heads and hearts just that we get so caught up with life and it’s demands that we put it aside. Logic doesn’t permit us to be unreasonable and follow our hearts. Fears and funnily most of the times fears of others (i.e fears that people have for us and try build it in our minds) stop us from exploring simple joys of life. Most of us hit the bucket without even giving ourselves a chance to explore our true desires. We cover up or blame situations, life, people, responsibilities etc. Which suddenly made me ask myself… Why wait to realize that time is running out?

As for me, I realize I could have gone forever last June (’07)…and the thought of dying without even getting a chance to live my bucket list is making me uncomfortable. But I am Destiny’s child ( I love this phrase… it’s a name my dear friend Suranjana and myself have given ourselves) and I am right here Alive and writing this post. That is a miracle of life, isn’t it ?

So, I have decided to create a Bucket list for myself and as each desire of mine keeps getting fulfilled I will strike it out from my list. At the same time I am going to continue to add as many more as I wish to. I will live each desire of mine surpassing fears, circumstances and people. Because, today I understand what it means when it is said that ‘Life is true gift and you are the happiness you seek.’

I know my dear friend Sushma is going to be very happy reading this post of mine and say

“ Welcome to your life !”

Living in the Virtual world !

2008-05-09T17:13:00.000+04:00

I have head this a couple of times from my colleagues when they introduce me “ She lives more in the Virtual World than the real one ”, “Virtual world queen” etc. I find these introductions strange, curious and even funny at times. It’s a perception that they seemed to have build about me as I am socially more active on chats, networking sites, mails and my blog.

I believe that I am more ‘real’ than most people are but yes very few and close ones really understand or know about my reality. Perhaps I am more visible on the virtual world than I am on the so called social real world. I guess it’s a choice I have made.

Well who in today’s time isn’t living in the virtual world (unless of course one is technology challenged). Not that this post is meant to promote living in the virtual world … I don’t encourage it but I believe each one of us have two sides to us …A Superficial one and a Real one. The superficial side is our guard and the real most times we reveal only to the loved and trusted ones. Virtual world I believe is really the mid path.

It’s a world that lets you express what you truly believe in but don’t generally land up stating with the fear of being misunderstood, it’s a world of no judgments (of course if you are trying to read between the lines), it’s a world that makes it easier to keep in touch or keep track of people who matter in our lives, it’s a world that opens up doors and makes it easier to reach out to like minded people ( which I think is GREAT ), It’s a world where we seem to respect people’s opinions and views and treat them at face value rather than trying to be reactive or defensive or being righteous about our own views, It’s a great world of sharing, it helps u see different perspective, it makes you go in awe of how passionate people are about life and a lot more that revolves around it., it’s inspiring, it’s creative, it’s expansiveness, it’s exploration and a lot of fun …the more you give the more you get. Well I can keep going on and on about the same.

I quite like the Virtual world …it’s a world of new possibilities, opportunities and beginnings.

Cheers to the Virtual world!

I Believe - Celebaration Of Life !

2008-04-16T11:02:00.014+04:00

Extravagant, Power, Energy, Colour, Vibrancy, Spiritual Journey, Passion, Positivity, Lavish, Humbleness, Love, Faith, Hope, Fun, Action, Glamour, Dance, Music, Celebration are just few of the long list of words that come to mind when I think the Spectacular 'I Believe Show' by the very talented and very humble Shiamak Davar.

Well yes I am one of the most fortunate ones to have been invited to see the show twice. The 1st time being last DEC ( ‘07) and then last nite.

It's a show closest to my heart for two beautiful reasons. 1st being my dearest darling angel Shiamak and the theme 'I Believe'. While people probably meet Shiamak at parties, shows, award functions I met him for the very 1st time in last June(07) at the Surgical ICU of the Breach candy hospital after going through the biggest and longest surgery of my life. Hell had broken on me about 15 days prior and I didn't know what more was going to come my way. Just then Shiamak arrived in my ICU room out of the blue to meet me. Did I know him before that .. Well NO !! He was waiting outside the ICU to see his best friends father and he chanced upon my mother and on hearing about me just told her that he wanted to meet me. I was in a bad state physically and emotionally. As I saw him I felt a strange soul connection as if I had known him for a really really long time. 10 mins of very encouraging and kind loving words from him brought about a huge realizations and a big shift in my consciousness. Ever since I have been in touch with him in my own little way.

I BELIEVE Shiamak is one of the many miracles I experienced in the 7 months of my illness.

Me with my Family and my Angel in Dec '07

The 1st time I saw the 'I Believe' Show was yet another turning point in my life. I had just finished my 6th Chemothearpy session post 2 large surgeries (Yes 'Chemo'. I know I have never mentioned this on my blog but the 7 months of trauma I went though was my fight against Cancer) I yet had 1.5 month to go before my final treatment would end. These 5 ½ months had been very difficult, painful and trying.

Though the light at the end of the tunnel was nearing I was loosing hope, faith, tolerance and patience. Just then the 'I Believe' show came up again as yet another divine intervention. I remember I cried through the show as it re- instilled in me faith in the divine, Belief in MYSELF, positivity and the fact that nothing and absolutely nothing was impossible if you truly believed in it.

My Master Magician Prasad always say ' Nothing is impossible, we make possible impossible so let's make impossible possible now' The show truly was a turning point for me. It uplifted my spirit. The next 1.5 months post the show were the toughest and most painful. But my re- instilled Faith and Belief thanks to the show and a million prayers sailed me through it all.

Last nite as I saw the show again. It touched me yet again. But this time it was different feeling. It was a Celebration ! A celebration of my Belief in the Universe, Miracles, Divine Grace, My teacher, My family and all my angels. I had tears of joy as the energy of the show took me on another platform yet again.

Sush and me with Shiamak on 15th April '08

The messages that truly touched me this time were ' I am Alive' ( I wanted to just get up and dance myself to that song ) , 'Wear your happiness everyday', importance of 'Coexistence – How a soft river flows through hard rough rocks yet they both beautifully co exist , Go with the flow', 'Believe in yourself.. no matter what they say', 'No mountains are so great …have faith' ' Because you loved me'' He lives in you…He watches over you' and my all time favorite ' YOU are the happiness that you seek'.

All these and more messages were delivered by my darling Shiamak and his team by a beautifully choreographed dance and singing. The energy of the dancers was almost overwhelming. Shiamak's spectacular singing, energy and positivity just seem to spread like divine showers specially when he and his team come into the audience and interact with them, makes each one dance and sing and just be their child like selves. No matter how many times you watch this show it puts you in complete AWE.

I do have to make a special mention of Shiamak's Special children of the Victory foundation that come on stage. Be it the genius Rohan who can within seconds tell you the day of the week the moment you give him a specific date in the last 3 yrs or the whole bunch of them some on their wheel chairs that are so beautifully propped that made them look so beautiful. I remember the positivity of these special children had touched me in the last show when Shiamak asked one of them I think it was Rohan why his eye was red. The normal response you would expect from any one would be " oh I hurt it or oh its an infection I have' but this special child filled with positivity said " Oh it will go away". They surely and truly inspired me. As the fabulous part was the jamming session between Igor on the saxophone, Nilhil a percussionist and Milind on the flute. It was spectacular. Also cant forget to mention the opening act by the 10 year old Aryman Birla who sings the most touching " I Believe' song also the beautiful Katya who so gracefully danced to Salsa rhythm .

All in all It was a SOUL STIRRING EXPERIENCE and my day was made. I took back home immense positive energy ( I think I am bubbling with it since morning that is why I couldn’t but resist and write this post early morning) , belief in MYSELF and the Universe, Celebration, a healing hug from Shiamak and lot of love he showered me with post the show. LUCKY ME !!!

Thank you Universe for bringing such beautiful and loving angels in my life and Thanks a million Shiamak for being there for me. It truly means a lot to me. I LOVE U !

PS : Click the link for a Photo Album of the show http://www.shiamak.com/ibelieve/photojournal.htm

The Race With Myself ...

2008-03-31T16:45:00.000+04:00

The subject for this post has been on my mind last 2 weeks. I have been toying with few thoughts I came across on the subject . While working on a campaign for a client my colleague Nishad came up with an interesting concept of ‘The only Race I have is the one with myself’ . The thought really intrigued me and got me thinking. Then I came across another colleague Prabhakar who mentioned to me that apparently there is Olympics analogy which talks about the fact that“ When u are competing, its not about competing with others but it’s about competing with yourself and your body”. Interesting, ain’t it ? Thanks Nishad and Prabhakar for bringing forth such interesting thoughts …

I also watched the film Race and there is this scene where Saif Ali Khan tells Akshay Khanna the reason why he always won against him . He says “ Tum issliye nahi jeete kyo ki tum humesha mujhe harane ke liye khelte they, aur mein kabhi nahi hara kyo ki mein hameshan sirf jeetne ke liye khelta tha” (You always lost coz you tried to only defeat me and I always won coz I only played to win.)

I knew it yet again that these were special messages from the universe and not sheer coincidences. I tried to put these jigsaw pieces together and see what the bigger picture was. Just then I realized that it was an answer to a question I have been struggling and suffocating with.

Post my illness I have been on an emotional roll-a-coaster. I find my self griped with all kinds of baseless fears. Of things I can do or not or how to meet peoples expectations and pace. I found catching up with people’s pace difficult and suffocating. At the same time while I had run in that very same pace I didn’t want to be in that rut forever. I wanted to enjoy what I was doing and yet do things beyond my imagination and at my own pace.

When I spoke to people about my desire I was told it was silly and until you in sync with other’s speed and pace you cant make it !

I felt upset and de-motivated at first. However I believed there was surely a way to make things happen the way I desired them.Just then the universe sent me the message about “‘The Only Race I have is the one with myself” And I realized that the only one person that could stop me was myself. And contrary to peoples belief I could still make it, if I believed in myself.

That’s when I realized that I had already been doing it in my life. I began to looked at my life last 2 months where I found myself constantly pushing to do the basics in life like ’WALK’. For 8 months of my illness I couldn’t and did barely walk. So much so that my stamina had become zilch and confidence shattered. I had to at one point re learn how to walk and take baby steps. Thus my 1st step of getting back my life on track was to get back my confidence in walking. That’s when I started going for morning walks in the beginning of Feb’08. I could barely do 1 round of the garden ( 400 mtrs). I use to wonder how others walked faster and confidently than me. Yet I didn’t give up hope and managed to keep walking. Within 15 days I was doing 4 rounds over 30 mins. I acknowledged myself for every little milestone I crossed. Yet that’s when I put an intention in the universe saying that by March ’08 end I would do 10 rounds = 4 kms in 45 mins. At that stage it seemed like a far fetched dream. Yet slowly but surely I kept at it trying to push myself to move further not bothered of how fast people walked around me but just kept walking at my own pace. And each day I began to enjoy my walk. Today I can say with great pride that Its been a week since I have managed to touch the 10 rounds mark at 45mins that too with ease. YES I made it again…step be step. I rejoiced it and celebrated my milestone. And at the same time just this morning I have put in yet another intention to the universe that by April’08 end I will do 10 km in 30 mins. Yes I know I will make it happen yet again … Coz the only Race I have is the one with myself .

Beyond The Horizon ....

2008-03-23T21:22:00.004+04:00

The journey well begun
Yet miles ahead to go
My eyes set on the horizon
Yet the heart prompts
It’s beyond the horizon that I shall go…
So as I spread my wings
All set to take off
I know this time for sure
Beyond the horizon I shall go …

This is yet another poem straight from the heart. Yes its been long since i have written on my blog. I get asked if i have run out of thoughts or lost interest. Well it's neither ...yes though the chatter of mind has considerably reduced and i have learnt to cope with my emotions myself. Yet this blog will always remain my special space. It has not only given me the platform to express so much that lie within but also acknowledgement and appreciation for my thoughts. So i will keep writing my heart out as and when there is a calling.

Making a diffrence !

2008-02-20T19:05:00.001+04:00

All these years I always looked upon people who made a difference in my life. I got inspired by their passion , their will not only to cope with tough situations but also bring out the best they can. They were my mentors who groomed me and have made me what I am today.

I never realized that one day I would be expected to play their role. Be a mentor, guide, lead, groom and make a difference. This is what I think they call the circle of life. What goes around comes back. So here’s my chance to make a difference. Lets see what contribution I can make to this circle of life !

Circle of life !

2008-02-01T18:05:00.000+04:00

Life surely has it’s strange ways. 10 years back it had brought me to a point where there was a need to stand on my feet, prove myself and get somewhere in life. I still remember how scared I was, struggled with my confidence and self belief kept dwindling. Yet step by step, bit by bit I made it …

These last 7 months of my illness has brought me back to square one. And as I begin to get back to life I have yet again a need to stand up on my feet. The confidence is a bit shaky and though I don’t have a need to prove anything to anyone any more…yet life seems to be expecting a lot out of me.

I have begun my new journey yet again and pray that step by step I will surely find my way….

The Irony of life !

2008-01-14T16:41:00.000+04:00

We all live our lives knowing that one day we shall reach that end however when the end arrives we struggle to escape it, we fear it and we still want to live on.

Life is surely full of ironies. Yesterday was one such strange day for me. I was stepping out for the first time post my winning over my battle with my illness of last 7 months. It was a time for celebration a time to acknowledge and thank the universe for giving me this special 2nd chance to LIVE my life again and the way I wanted it.

It felt great …yet at the same time I heard about a friend ( Not quite a friend but an acquaintance who I had began to empathies with due to the illness and suffering she had been going through last couple of months. ) Deepika’s defeat to the fight against Cancer. I never met her just spoke to her a couple of times yet she came across as a chirpy, bubbly youngster with the spirit to live life and fight for it. Yet inspite of her will to live she had to move on to another plane …to a world we all know one day we need to reach yet we know nothing about and the fear of the unknown stops us from taking a smooth flight there.

Yes indeed an irony of life it seemed, gave me the 2nd chance to celebrate the victory and took her life away inspite of her will to live.

I am not sad for Deepika coz I know the universe helped her rest in peace after the long tying battle against Cancer. This end is just a new beginning for her soul. May you soul LIVE on Deepika just as you wanted to …

Yet I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have been fortunate enough to get this precious 2nd chance to live, dream,create, celebrate a wonderful life full of different kinds of beautiful moments.

I leave it to the universe to take me from here one to make the best of this precious 2nd chance …would be a lie if I said this leap of faith hasn’t come after conquering my fears, battling the unknown and overcoming the wavering faith.

Come universe take me with you …

New Year …New Beginnings!

2008-01-01T11:11:00.000+04:00

It’s a beautiful new year. A year full of new beginnings for me ! That 2nd chance to create and live a beautiful new life gifted by God. A chance to re-live all my dreams I held on to for years, a life full of miracles, blessings of angels and love showers.

‘YES, I MADE IT !’. Thank you, universe for supporting me completely in your most miraculous ways. Oh yes special thanks to myself for believing, being courageous, in surrender and supporting myself.

There is new rejuvenated energy I feel in me today. A renewed passion for life and yes a strong belief that I am always taken care of no matter what shows up in my life.

Wish you all an Happy, Healthy and a very Prosperous New Beginning too …

Cheers to 2008 !

Dard !

2007-12-30T20:54:00.000+04:00

Na jaane iss dard mein bhi kyo, ek khaas ehsaas hai
Na jaane kyo himmat na harne ki ab bhi ek choti si aas hai.

Iss dard se to ab ek gehra rishta sa mehsus hone gaga hai
Jaise uski har ek sisak dil ke bhaut paas hai

Pal pal har pal saath bakubhi nibhaya issne,phir bhi aaj isse aage nikal jane ki aas hai

Na jaane iss dard mein bhi kyo, ek khaas ehsaas hai
Na jaane kyo himmat na harne ki ab bhi ek choti si aas hai.

Well not that this is my 1st attempt as hindi poetry however this one i am writing from my hospital bed and straight from my heart(as I complete the last lap of my treatment going on for last 7 months.)
Was thinking about the long Journey I had with 'Pain'(Dard). This poetry is an expression of my final release, how i dealt and felt about the emmotional and physical pain this journey took me through.

Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-21T20:26:00.000+04:00

Just saw the film ‘Taare Zameen Par’ a directorial debut by Aamir Khan. It’s a well scripted and acted film. I totally loved the way it so beautifully brings forth what Dyslexia is about and emotions that the child goes through. Aamir and specially the new debutant child artist Darsheel is just brilliant.

The key message that the film conveys is that “ Every child is special”. But there is a deeper thought that the film has brought to me. Yes indeed every child is special however with growing years we tend to ignore this little special child in each of us. We beat this special often at the pretext of competition, relationship, pressures etc. The uniqueness of the little child within gets over looked. We always want to be like the other just being ourself isn’t something that we value. We take away its innocence & playfulness. Then we wonder where and why did we loose this special inner child within each of us. Thus its important let this inner child live and grow. Acknowledge and appreciate its uniqueness no matter how evident it may be to the world or not.

‘Once I was lost but now I am found …amazing grace’ on this note as I set out to seek and pamper that innocent special child within me I request you to set off on that inner journey too !

Sacrifice ...is it a must plz ??

2007-12-19T18:09:00.000+04:00

Have been observing and wondering why is it that great men /women ,geniuses be it in the corporate world who are visionaries, or be it doctors who are so committed to their patients and healing or legends like a Mahatma Gandhi who gave India a vision and will to get it’s freedom …all these great people while are committed to their lives purposes or rather passions they choose but when it comes to their personal and family lives just seem to be sacrificer's ( that was being polite the word I have in mind is ‘Losers’). Their families and specially their children pay a heavy price in the name of their parents hypocritical Value systems/ beliefs or just sheer lack of time since they are out build a better world for people out there walking over their children’s dreams and aspirations.

Is it really impossible to balance life. Is it a must to sacrifice one for the cause of the other. Or is it a choice these people or that matter all of us make? I am still seeking answers to this …anyone and suggestions ?

Loose Control !

2007-12-08T18:40:00.000+04:00

I have been realizing recently how majority of us are such control freaks in our lives. We try to control our lifestyle, work, relationships even our minds and others too. And if some day for some reason we loose control we freak out as if the world has ended for us. But it’s not really true. I for the last 7 months have no control over anything my body ( illness), my being stranded home, not able to go to work or do anything independently. And it initially freaked me out for a couple of months. I tried to control my body and it back fired me as if challenging me and saying “ Try ur luck buddy but ur not going to be able to control me.

Finally all I could do is what my teacher Prasad had told me long before my struggle …Just let loose and let be ! Surrender completely. The task of surrendering and let be wasn’t as easy as his words made it sound. It was almost like being on a cliff and taking a big jump into the river wearing a life jacket without knowing swimming but trusting the instructor saying u will sail thru this and when u do u will have the most joyous moment of ur life.

As I began to think of surrender was reminded of my Himalayan Trek experience where I just did that .. jump into the river for 30 ft height not knowing swimming but to just experience the thrill of what my friends were enjoying. I recalled the fear at the beginning, the almost giving up attitude and then the courage and trust that the instructor and my friends were there promising to take care of me if I didn’t float after the jump. And u know what I took that big jump and made it. Not only did I make it I lost my fear and took the jump twice ..it made me feel so proud of myself.

It’s exactly the feeling that I am getting today… in this final lap of my treatment. I made it through the toughest phase of my life .. just have the tail end to get done with it. And it makes me proud of myself. Its been a tough journey but yes I am almost there …and all I did to reach here was LOOSE CONTROL !

Yes my friends Loose Control and see what you gain and where it takes!

Shattered Dreams !

2007-11-25T21:45:00.000+04:00

Chhan se jo tute koi sapna, (jag soona soona laage - 2)koi rahe na jab apna, jag soona soona laagejag soona soona hai toh yeh kyun hota haijab yeh dil rota hai, roye sisak sisak ke hawaayein, jag soona laagechhan se jo tute koi sapna, (jag soona soona laage - 2)koi rahe na jab apna, (jag soona soona laage - 2) resoona laage re

I just like the lyrics of this song from the film Om Shaanti Om.
Yes I am talking of Dreams…
Don’t we all see dreams which we wish some day we will get fulfilled.
Some dreams get fulfilled and some just whiter away even before they can even bloom.
They hurt don’t they …the ones that whiter away.
Why do they hurt …they usually get replaced with a new dream, don’t they?
At times just small hurdle makes us give up on a dream…it actually doesn’t whiter away
We let it die coz of our fears.
Why does the hurdle challenge us, why we remember our past failures and give up out of fear?

When the heart really says “Hold on my friend, there is something that will happen if u trust, surrender and let things happen.”
May be the dream may come true in ways you didn’t expect but its not worth giving up yet !

The Last Lap !

2007-11-21T11:48:00.000+04:00

Yeah I have'nt written for a while…I felt like I was running out of thoughts. Which in the spiritual sense is state to be in. However I yet have a long way to go to arrive at that state of complete stillness. I just didn’t have thoughts worth penning down. Today I do !

The last lap of any race, why does it seem the longest when u can clearly see the finishing line?
Why does it make u restless and impatient?

It’s not winning or loosing at that moment, the task is just getting across the line …yet strange thoughts of not be able to make it, why do they need to arise?

Why does the belief that u have been holding onto that u are going to make it dwindle?

Why do small hurdles worry u ?

It’s the last lap for heaven sake…why is so difficult to hang in there a little bit?

You know its going to take u to ur victory no matter if it was just the race of ur life and maybe there were no competitors.

It was ur race alone and you have been determined to win it not matter what …its not worth giving up at this stage…

Victory is just few steps away!

Fear of Loss !

2007-10-29T14:40:00.000+04:00

How ironical life is…
All my life I feared loosing …
Loosing Love, Loved ones, Precious things etc
The fear made me so attached to my objects of fear.
Today I realized how thanks to my sudden illness I, myself had turned into an object of fear for my loved ones.
It’s a conflicting feeling to be in this position I realize
One is showered by love, affection and attention
However it makes you wonder if its sheer fear of loosing you that makes it flow.
Yet you tend to enjoy it too.
I guess I should leave the thought here and just enjoy the moments of love , affection and attention without reasoning it !

YES I MADE IT !!

2007-10-19T16:23:00.000+04:00

At my Master's feet !

6th Oct 2007

I just got back this Saturday from my 8 day Reiki Intensive course in Goa. I have been waiting for it since a year but coz of my illness last 5 months I was worried if I would be able to make it. Though this trip has reassured me that when ur Intension about something is strong and there is clarity and focus on your goal the universe unconditionally provides you guidance and strength to make it to your destination. That’s exactly what I saw happening to me.

Last 5 months I have been so shaky about my confidence, hardly stepped out of home thanks to no stamina and energy but my strong intent to get there seemed to tell me that may be I was conserving all my energy last 5 months to make it to this BIG graduation seminar ( It was a graduation seminar to the 10 month Basic Leadership Training program I have been training under my spiritual guide and Master Magician Prasad).

The most amazing miracle was the morning that I had to fly I was so unwell and worried. But once I reached the airport there was luxury awaiting. My sister’s friend a ground staff at the airport had taken complete care of my travel …not only that she got me an upgrade to Biz class which was no less than a miracle for me.

So Miracles happen if you trust and let them.

7th Oct ‘07
Morning by the ocean !

This morning as I sat by the ocean enjoying each moment and the beauty that the ocean was offering me. I Happen to see a bird flying over the ocean coming towards the shore. It made me wonder how far it must have traveled to reach the shore. I couldn’t even get myself to imagine the vastness of the ocean and the distance this bird flew to get to the shore. I observed it’s flight which was very interesting. It flapped it’s wings vigorously and the would keep then in a horizontal position and covered a large distance. It was almost like breather. I wondered what it’s journey would have been like to cross a vast ocean with no signs od the shore approaching. Would have it been tiring, trying, happy, frustrating, at times wanting to give up or just be focus on it’s goal to keep flying and reach the shore ignoring the long distance and with the hope that bit by bit it will make it to the shore, it’s next, it’s family and then the flight and it’s trails will seem just worth it !

What is amazing is that this little observation today has inspired me for sure. Just when I was getting tied of my journey ( the illness) and loosing patience, this little bird has inspired me to look at my final destination which is not far anymore and believe that bit by bit I am getting there for sure !

7th Oct 2007

The Dance !

Today is the happiest day for me after 5 months. I am not only in Goa attending m Reiki intensive workshop which I had strongly intended being at. Also I am listening to Sundaram live ( Stephan is his real name, he is my German friend who has the most amazing soulful voice and sings Sanskrit chants and devotional music). Today he sang all my favorite chants.I saw people from the group dancing away to glory. I so wanted to dance but my body didn’t seem to cooperate. I was so restless. I wanted to dance to Sundarm’s music.I had been waiting for this moment for really long.How could I let my body take over my most beautiful moment.. I waited, slowly gathered the courage and got up but my mind and body were playing games with me.I stood and watched people dance away my feet too began to tap. Just then the whole group began to form a huge circle and asked me to join in.

Just that very moment I took a spontaneous decision to take a leap…instead of joining the circle I walked into the circle and did a solo dance right in the center of the circle with
103 of my reiki family members, my mother and my teacher all in a shocked look for a moment and then broke down into a big smile cheering me away. While the dance lasted not more than a minute it gave me a pleasure of a life time.

A pleasure that I found after 5 months of trial period where I was loosing myself I thought. But this moment gave me a renewed passion for life again and living each moment like there is no more.

I could see tears of joy in my mothers eyes and immense pleasure in my teacher and reiki family’s eyes.

Thanks to my courage, spontaneity and Sundaram’s soul stirring music I lived a moment that I shall cherish my life time.

10th Oct 2007
How Big or Small ?

It’s not how big or small the situation or illness etc in life are, It’s how much importance that we give them is what makes them Big or Small is a realization I had when a friend mentioned the bigness of my illness and the 6 months of my life it had taken way from me.But life has it’s ways, just then I met a friend from my reiki famil who shared about 35 yrs of suffering that he had been going through yet living his life in his best capacity.

So what is really BIG or Small after all, isn’t it ?

With my lovely angel Sundaram !

11th Oct 2007

Yet a moment to Cherish !

Sundaram did it again..His magic ! Like my Master Magician Prasad I am so convinced that Sundaram is a magician too who really knows how to touch souls with is beautiful music and humbling voice. What made the moment magical was soft sands of the beach, the darkness of the night, the star studded skies,the cool breeze, gushing waves and the miraculous shooting star.In midst of this Sundaram singing way in his magical voice.

I have been visualizing this moment for long and it has been my driving forces to make it this year to Goa inspite of all odds. Here I am !

This magical moment has reinforced my trust in the universe yet again and it’s ways !

The 1st Step !

2007-09-28T18:00:00.000+04:00

‘Come to the edge’, He said
‘We can’t, Master we’re scared’.
‘Come to the edge ‘, he said
‘We can’t, Master, we’re scared’.
‘Come to the edge’, he said
They came
He pushed them …
They flew.
Freedom is our destiny.
Yet we fear taking the very step which will carry us into the greatness which is our own true nature.

I came across this beautiful apt passage from Brandon bays amazing book ‘The Journey’ just when I have been thinking on this subject for a while.

The 1st step …isn’t it the most difficult yet the same step can take us places we couldn’t have imagined. It can open a whole new world before us. The one we always dream of exploring yet tend to dread taking that very 1st step. I too for years dreaded that very 1st step.I would try to take a step ahead and found myself taking two backwards. Lived in the misery yet didn’t think I had the courage to take the step …Fear of the unknown I guess that pulled me back time and again. It’s funny how we are comfortable with our misery, it’s atleast a known area, a comfort zone of sorts.I was lucky however to be chosen by a Teacher who pushed me to that edge and yes now I feel I have I have learnt to take the flight.It was beautiful journey I am on.Yes at the moment it’s bumpy flight but as I find myself fly ahead flapping my wings with joy. I find myself enjoying a new found freedom. It takes a lot of trust and surrender and that hasn’t been easy either. However this new found freedom is amazing …Freedom from my misery, my painful past, my bottled up anger. Freedom from judgments of of people about me and my own judgments about them. Freedom from pain that others caused me and the pain I caused myself by bearing it for no reason. Freedom from the baseless noisy chatter to a beautiful silence I have begun to experience and enjoying in this moment.

Yes I donot know where this new journey I have embarked upon shall take me. Yet this very 1st step that I took for myself urges me to trust it and seems to promise me a beautiful journey never experienced before.
I too from this experience urge you to trust yourself, the universe or divine intervention and take the this BIG leap with faith, trust and surrender. This one 1st step I assure you will take you miles ahead to a beautiful life you have always dreamt of and always so desired.
So …ON YOUR MARKS ,GET SET and GO ...

Courage !

2007-09-28T16:10:00.000+04:00

‘Courage has power, genius and magic’. Just this one line from my master has taken me a long way and still continues to guide me further through this toughest phase of my life at this moment.

However, I have been realizing the importance of courage. I took it for granted all my life. When people came up to me and said they admired my courage in all the tough situations I faced in my life. I wondered what they were taking about. “ How else do people come out of situations and move ahead in life …what’s so great about what I displayed ?” But off late I have had eye openers …of situations where people run away from life, relationships and situation due to lack of courage . It’s been shocking to hear these stories. Specially cases,where people are faced with tough situations like a critical illness, prolonged treatments, depressions of menopause and post pregnancies.

I understand now that courage is not just required from an individual but the entire family specially when faced by situations that need a lot of patience. Else they fall apart. I have been appalled by people I hear stories of.

A father backed out because his 16 year old was diagnosed of brain tumor and is under tremendous treatment last 3 years. He has not only not contributed financially to the treatment, lost all contacts with the family and has asking his wife for a divorce. The courageous lady and her son are fighting this battle all by them self. Hatt’s off to them !

Heard of a yet another couple fighting cancer. The lady comes from a pampered family and hasn’t seem to have face tough situations yet. She wants to split from her cancer patient husband as she cannot cope with emotional stress of his illness has brought about in their life …Scary ain’t it. Are these kind of relationships that we find in today’s day and age!

A dear friends wife went frenzy after a post pregnancy depression and has demanded a split from her marriage on grounds of we were never compatible after being in relationship for 6 yrs. Makes me wonder what all can go wrong in relationships?

Why is courage so difficult.? Why do we loose hope and shatter so easily in tough times? Why can’t we accept that their sure will be light at the end of the dark tunnel ? Why can’t we always believe that there is a divine intervention that has the perfect plan for us only if we let it revel it to us and believe in it …

I know it’s really tough. I often find myself struggling with tough situations that do tend to break down my hope, shakes up my faith and makes me very angry with the divine sources up there. However last one year of my life I have finally begun to see that ray of light at the end of the darkest tunnel of my life.I have been fortunate and blessed with the best Master I could ever have had. He has not only stood by me, pushed me to the wall and finally taught me to come out of my misery and self pity. He has showed me to look beyond the darkness that seemed to never end. I am also blessed with a most bravest Mom and an amazing younger sister who have stood by me like the strongest pillar of strength I could ever have. I do go weak or get scattered and tried of fighting my current battle against my illness. Yet my master, my family, y best friends and my lovely reiki family encourage me all the time and ensure hey don’t let me give up on my inner strength. And surely I do Believe COURAGE has POWER, GENIUS and MAGIC.

Beyond the Break !

2007-09-28T16:01:00.000+04:00

25th September 2007

What lies beyond the break I what I wondered
New Beginnings …
A renewed passion for life …
Reveal of new dreams ad new ways to fulfill them…
Miracles galore, unconditional love showers…
Higher height to achieve…
Fun and adventurous flights to take off on…
Explore deeper depths that life has to offer …
The best gift though is the awareness of how to go beyond is just by being in the ‘Here and Now’ and taking each step forward as a blessing to go Beyond the break !

The Warrior !

2007-09-28T15:51:00.000+04:00

12th September 2007

I woke up this morning finding myself in a battlefield
I looked at myself, I resembled a wounded warrior
My body was bruised and weak, my wounds were bleeding, my spirit was almost dying
I could barely open my eyes. I looked around and tried to recognize myself
Who am I?
Why was I there?
What was my purpose?
I desperately looked for guidance and seeked answers to my questions
Just then I heard a voice from nowhere.
“You are ‘A GOOD WARRIOR’
You have fought many battles. Won some and lost a few too.
You have an undying spirit in you that keeps you going
You purpose to achieve victory and you are focused on it”
“What was I doing in this battle field ?” I asked restlessly
“ This is the biggest battle you have ever fought and perhaps the last one that you may ever.
You are half way towards victory, it’s half the battle won.”
“ But I am weak, wounded and my spirit is almost dying …how then shall I reach victory this time”
“ YOU ARE A GOOD WARRIOR , Warriors never give up and neither will you. Gather your dying spirit and remind yourself of all the battles won and VICTORY is ur’s for sure yet again”

I would like to dedicate this post to my dearest friend Shushma who a few months back showed me this picture of the warrior in me. Each time I find my spirit dying I remind myself of ‘The Warrior’ and I find myself gaining my strength and nearing victory yet again. Thanks Shushma with friends like you VICTORY is mine for sure.

The Beautiful Jigsaw !

2007-09-10T19:02:00.001+04:00

There was once a little girl who was gifted a large beautiful Jigsaw puzzle. The picture on the jigsaw was beautiful. She was told it depicted her life. Though at that moment other than it’s beauty nothing made sense to the little girl. She all happy and content with her new gift began to walk back the pathway to her home.

As she walked in her playfulness she happened to drop the Jigsaw puzzle. Each piece of the jigsaw scattered all over. The little girl broke down and cried as she tried to gather back the scattered pieces. She barely could gather a few.

What had remained in her memory was the beautiful picture she has seen. Each day of her growing up as she walked on her pathway she tried to look for the missing pieces.

Her strong will to build and understand the beautiful picture made the universe help her slowly gather back each piece slowly but surely in the most amazing way.

The process of this search was tough, tiring and painful at times. But seeing her persistence and strong will the universe kept sending her just the right signals, messages, the right people and the right time. That kept making the task comforting.

Today the young girl has managed to gather back a lot of pieces. Now she is beginning to see the beautiful picture form again. It is beginning to make sense…the beauty of the picture, the missing pieces, and the need for her search. Her quest is still on ..though over the years it has build her patience, understanding and trust. She has a purpose to pursue …She ain’t going to give up and she now believes strongly that some day soon she will gather all the pieces back and see the beautiful picture again.

Will to Live !

2007-08-19T18:24:00.000+04:00

As I walked the beautiful pathways of life in the most cheerful,chirpy and carefree way
So much in my own world, so in my own way

Was warned about the hurdles, was alerted about the demons
Yet I didn’t really ever seem to care, as I was always so caught up in it’s beauty that never could see the darkness coming my way

Unexpected one dark scary nite I tripped over a hurdle and fell in a deep ugly ditch
It was sure dark, ugly, scary, nothing like I had ever heard or seen of
For days I lie there bruised and in pain with little hope that too in vain

I was reminded of my beautiful pathway all the time
I did have the will to get there again one day

Yet the darkness of the ditch challenged my will time and again
Life seemed to be coming to an end, my will and hope began to crumble
Just then there was a rustle, a little light began to blink
A faint voice called out “ Is there someone down there with a will to live ?”

My crumbled hope and almost shattered will along with my bruised hurt body struggled hard to reach out to the voice
Soon I found myself struggling yet trying to climb my way up
My body was weak and in pain yet my heart showed me the beautiful pathway again
As I struggling reached to the opening of the ditch I had fallen from…I took the 1st breath of fresh air and saw my beautiful pathway ahead of me.

I looked around trying to search for the one who had called asking “ Is there someone down there with a will to live ?”
My search seemed to be in vain …there was no one in sight and I wondered why then did I hear that voice

Just then something from within spoke up to me , It said “Don’t look around my love it’s me your inner voice and your will to live that spoke too you and nobody else who has managed to get you out of this scary, painful, dark ditch, go ahead and walk the beautiful pathway that await you, live your life to your fullest and if you come across any ditches and hurdles yet again always remember your' Will to live' and u will be back on your beautiful pathway again..."