Conflict within the crazy MIND !!

After Goa Reiki Intensive I thought I had experienced transformation …I felt rejuvenated, happy , released, at peace with myself and the world around. But obviously had not tackled all …no not saying I am not at peace, or happier than before, or more confident of accepting myself just the way I am or see life in a better light.

But I think these 9 days of being home not being able to do much, the pain, the lack of sleep being alone with self has brought about a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings forward. Not afraid to face them as courage I have gained in the recent times ..I just don’t like them …they make me confused and unhappy.

The Mind seems to be the biggest culprit of all …it plays strange games, shows up unnecessary fears, anger, hidden feelings, people and situations u thought you had dealt with, suddenly things said by your teacher or wise ones seem to make more sense than ever before however you don’t know how to make use of them to rescue yourself from the mess the mind seems to take u towards.

One just wants to ‘be in the being ness’ strangely at this moment which seems impossible and one craves for getting back “to the doing ness” ( if I have understood that right from what Prasad meant), the conflict doesn’t seem to just end there and despite of all the understanding you thought you had gained over the years you suddenly want to be irrational, you have this innate desire to have back and get all that u had compromised with for so long in your life. You want it all, NOW !! In a way you belittle yourself for having shown that rational behavior u had then in the 1st place. Your conflict confuses you, makes you feel u are failing and that too miserably.

I don’t understand what I am experiencing …these highs, lows, rational and irrational emotions yet I have no choice ( or rather I think I choose ) to experience and be a silent observer, with the Ray Of Hope that Abhijeet has just given me saying “ Your biggest breakdown is always the opportunity for your biggest breakthrough!”