Fear of Loss !

How ironical life is…
All my life I feared loosing …
Loosing Love, Loved ones, Precious things etc
The fear made me so attached to my objects of fear.
Today I realized how thanks to my sudden illness I, myself had turned into an object of fear for my loved ones.
It’s a conflicting feeling to be in this position I realize
One is showered by love, affection and attention
However it makes you wonder if its sheer fear of loosing you that makes it flow.
Yet you tend to enjoy it too.
I guess I should leave the thought here and just enjoy the moments of love , affection and attention without reasoning it !

YES I MADE IT !!

At my Master's feet !

6th Oct 2007

I just got back this Saturday from my 8 day Reiki Intensive course in Goa. I have been waiting for it since a year but coz of my illness last 5 months I was worried if I would be able to make it. Though this trip has reassured me that when ur Intension about something is strong and there is clarity and focus on your goal the universe unconditionally provides you guidance and strength to make it to your destination. That’s exactly what I saw happening to me.

Last 5 months I have been so shaky about my confidence, hardly stepped out of home thanks to no stamina and energy but my strong intent to get there seemed to tell me that may be I was conserving all my energy last 5 months to make it to this BIG graduation seminar ( It was a graduation seminar to the 10 month Basic Leadership Training program I have been training under my spiritual guide and Master Magician Prasad).

The most amazing miracle was the morning that I had to fly I was so unwell and worried. But once I reached the airport there was luxury awaiting. My sister’s friend a ground staff at the airport had taken complete care of my travel …not only that she got me an upgrade to Biz class which was no less than a miracle for me.

So Miracles happen if you trust and let them.

7th Oct ‘07
Morning by the ocean !

This morning as I sat by the ocean enjoying each moment and the beauty that the ocean was offering me. I Happen to see a bird flying over the ocean coming towards the shore. It made me wonder how far it must have traveled to reach the shore. I couldn’t even get myself to imagine the vastness of the ocean and the distance this bird flew to get to the shore. I observed it’s flight which was very interesting. It flapped it’s wings vigorously and the would keep then in a horizontal position and covered a large distance. It was almost like breather. I wondered what it’s journey would have been like to cross a vast ocean with no signs od the shore approaching. Would have it been tiring, trying, happy, frustrating, at times wanting to give up or just be focus on it’s goal to keep flying and reach the shore ignoring the long distance and with the hope that bit by bit it will make it to the shore, it’s next, it’s family and then the flight and it’s trails will seem just worth it !

What is amazing is that this little observation today has inspired me for sure. Just when I was getting tied of my journey ( the illness) and loosing patience, this little bird has inspired me to look at my final destination which is not far anymore and believe that bit by bit I am getting there for sure !

7th Oct 2007

The Dance !

Today is the happiest day for me after 5 months. I am not only in Goa attending m Reiki intensive workshop which I had strongly intended being at. Also I am listening to Sundaram live ( Stephan is his real name, he is my German friend who has the most amazing soulful voice and sings Sanskrit chants and devotional music). Today he sang all my favorite chants.I saw people from the group dancing away to glory. I so wanted to dance but my body didn’t seem to cooperate. I was so restless. I wanted to dance to Sundarm’s music.I had been waiting for this moment for really long.How could I let my body take over my most beautiful moment.. I waited, slowly gathered the courage and got up but my mind and body were playing games with me.I stood and watched people dance away my feet too began to tap. Just then the whole group began to form a huge circle and asked me to join in.

Just that very moment I took a spontaneous decision to take a leap…instead of joining the circle I walked into the circle and did a solo dance right in the center of the circle with
103 of my reiki family members, my mother and my teacher all in a shocked look for a moment and then broke down into a big smile cheering me away. While the dance lasted not more than a minute it gave me a pleasure of a life time.

A pleasure that I found after 5 months of trial period where I was loosing myself I thought. But this moment gave me a renewed passion for life again and living each moment like there is no more.

I could see tears of joy in my mothers eyes and immense pleasure in my teacher and reiki family’s eyes.

Thanks to my courage, spontaneity and Sundaram’s soul stirring music I lived a moment that I shall cherish my life time.

10th Oct 2007
How Big or Small ?

It’s not how big or small the situation or illness etc in life are, It’s how much importance that we give them is what makes them Big or Small is a realization I had when a friend mentioned the bigness of my illness and the 6 months of my life it had taken way from me.But life has it’s ways, just then I met a friend from my reiki famil who shared about 35 yrs of suffering that he had been going through yet living his life in his best capacity.

So what is really BIG or Small after all, isn’t it ?

With my lovely angel Sundaram !

11th Oct 2007

Yet a moment to Cherish !

Sundaram did it again..His magic ! Like my Master Magician Prasad I am so convinced that Sundaram is a magician too who really knows how to touch souls with is beautiful music and humbling voice. What made the moment magical was soft sands of the beach, the darkness of the night, the star studded skies,the cool breeze, gushing waves and the miraculous shooting star.In midst of this Sundaram singing way in his magical voice.

I have been visualizing this moment for long and it has been my driving forces to make it this year to Goa inspite of all odds. Here I am !

This magical moment has reinforced my trust in the universe yet again and it’s ways !