The Priceless little gifts from life !

I have been on the look out to buy myself a diamond pendant since last couple of months to replace a small pretty heart pendant in white gold with a small tiny diamond that I had been wearing last 2.5 years.

After much search I did manage to buy myself something interesting, attractive with quite a few diamonds on it. I was proud of myself as it was my 1st piece of expensive Jewellery with my own money. I felt great that I had finally replaced my favorite pendant with something new ,refreshing and that too worth good amount of money. But to my luck in 10 days of wearing the piece turned out faulty and a diamond fell off. While I managed to get all my money back from the brand I had bought it, as I reached for my cupboard that nite to keep back the money I received, my favorite little heart shapped pendant showed up in front of me.

I had tears rolling down my eyes at the thought that while today I had the money to buy myself a fancy pendant my small tiny little heart shaped pendant surely was what I still loved a lot and it seemed priceless. I realized it was not the value of the pendant that made it priceless but the emmotion, situation and the person who gifted the same to me.

I started to think of all things in my life that were as priceless as the pendant and the list that showed up amazed me…

 Every new Hindi film cassettes that papa gifted me
 The gold chain and gold pendant that papa gifted me after my 12th Standard good results
 Rs. 100 that I got in college as pocket money from papa( never lasted more than a week )
 The offer from my 1st ever crush to walk me back home from tuitions
 My 1st ever rose from a very dear friend in college on the rose day
 My 18th Birthday party where every thing went wrong yet my amazing best friends and family went all out of the way to make the best of it
 A belated birthday bouquet from my dearest friend Pariksheet every birthday
 The surprise birthday wishes on a slide show of the film screen and birthday wishes in midst of a film by my dearest friend on my 21st Birthday
 My Driving license
 My 1st salary cheque of Rs 1500
 My 1st Seaffer Pen from my 1st Boss, Best friend, Mentor and Guide
 The phone call wishing me on Valentines day from my crush for a long time
 Getting that 1st international stamp on my passport that too with my hard earned money
 A little poetry on my name written by a favorite colleague as birthday gift
 A little pink teddy bear gifted by a dear friend as a Thank you for helping him out with his marriage preparations
 My favorite little white sheep and puppy that my two dear friends won from the gaming machine especially for me.
 My 1st drive in my ‘Own’ car
 The ‘Down Memory Lane ‘film with a montage of my pictures gifted to me by my Best friend to make my 30th Birthday most memorable.

I can keep listing so many priceless gifts and moments in my life, it just seems endless. However when I look back I realize that just like my little heart shaped pendant each of these gifts and situations can never be valued by money or be replaced with the most expensive objects in the world.

Conflict within the crazy MIND !!

After Goa Reiki Intensive I thought I had experienced transformation …I felt rejuvenated, happy , released, at peace with myself and the world around. But obviously had not tackled all …no not saying I am not at peace, or happier than before, or more confident of accepting myself just the way I am or see life in a better light.

But I think these 9 days of being home not being able to do much, the pain, the lack of sleep being alone with self has brought about a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings forward. Not afraid to face them as courage I have gained in the recent times ..I just don’t like them …they make me confused and unhappy.

The Mind seems to be the biggest culprit of all …it plays strange games, shows up unnecessary fears, anger, hidden feelings, people and situations u thought you had dealt with, suddenly things said by your teacher or wise ones seem to make more sense than ever before however you don’t know how to make use of them to rescue yourself from the mess the mind seems to take u towards.

One just wants to ‘be in the being ness’ strangely at this moment which seems impossible and one craves for getting back “to the doing ness” ( if I have understood that right from what Prasad meant), the conflict doesn’t seem to just end there and despite of all the understanding you thought you had gained over the years you suddenly want to be irrational, you have this innate desire to have back and get all that u had compromised with for so long in your life. You want it all, NOW !! In a way you belittle yourself for having shown that rational behavior u had then in the 1st place. Your conflict confuses you, makes you feel u are failing and that too miserably.

I don’t understand what I am experiencing …these highs, lows, rational and irrational emotions yet I have no choice ( or rather I think I choose ) to experience and be a silent observer, with the Ray Of Hope that Abhijeet has just given me saying “ Your biggest breakdown is always the opportunity for your biggest breakthrough!”

Face Fear Head On !!

Today is the 5th day I have been home, thanx to my back ache. I have been so restless, restless coz of the pain, discomfort, lack of sleep, being home alone and more so coz being alone makes me face my fears. And they as loyal friends have shown up yet again …I have known them for years but yet never understood why they existed in my life. At times I battle them and win, at times I just burry them away, or at times I just keep running away from them making myself so busy with work or my nonstop chatter . While over the years I have won over quite a few of them …there are these loyal ones that keep showing up testing me time and again and I tend to fail miserably and go down on my knees and accept my helpless defeat.

I have been wondering why this back ache has appeared in the 1st place…its so untimely (and undesired of course) I mean its not that I hurt myself or slipped or anything of that sort. Yes I do agree that body gives signs …and that everything in life has a reason, nothing is a coincidence,always a perfect plan.

Due to being alone I have been reading quite a bit …not particularly a hobby but I enjoy reading philosophy and self help based books. I read them in a weird fashion though …ask a question in my mind and pick up the 1st random page that shows up. At times the book I pick is by a random choice too. Amazing part is most often the page I land up opening gives me an answer or cue to solve my problem.

Last few days, specially last evening I was in conflict with myself and my fears and finally got fed up of the whole act ( that’s how I usually take action in life and it always works ).. I sat with myself and asked what can I do to get rid of them …from within came a voice …”Don’t run away Face them Head On” and see the magic. For a moment I wasn’t sure if that was my inner voice or my mind that did the speaking…quickly reminded myself of what Abhijeet mentioned to me the other day when I asked him as to how do I know if what I heard is my hearts voice or my mind’s ? He spontaneously replied “When u stop asking that question and surrender!”

After a few hours latter when I settled down in bed ..I opened a random page from Robin Sharma’s book “ The Man who sold his Ferrari” and guess what it said …
“The only limits on your life are those you set on yourself…

Take time to reflect on what it is that you might be keeping you from the life you really want and know deep down you can have.

Once u identified what your weaknesses are, the next step is to face them head on and attack your fears.

Fear is nothing but a mental monster you have created, a negative stream of consciousness. They are nothing more than imaginary little gremlins that have crept into the mind over the years.”

The voice I heard and this chapter both seem to give me a message …a Message of Facing My Fears Head On…it surely wasn’t any coincidence but a sure sign of help extended by the universe. I decided too accept what came and flow with it…I took a pen and paper and decided to pen down my FEARS …specially the ones that had been most loyal.

Strangely just 4 fears immerged ( can u imagin just of them ruling my life ). I kept looking at them with anger,disgust, then with a fright and then with tears in my eyes. Now that I had faced them I didn’t know what should I do next. Just then I was reminded of a technique my boss had demonstrated to me to find solution to any work related issue. He called it the Toyota 5 Whys ?. Honestly while that demonstration had intrigued me it had not got me any real solutions. However I decided to try it out on my personal front. The technique was easy …All you have to do is Pen down the issue and drill it further with a Why to every answer that came up …5 such why’s usually helps you identify the real problem and guides you through a solution.

I picked each of the 4 fears and grilled them to the 5 WHY?....I was shocked and amazed when I actually managed to land up to the cause of the fears…they weren’t something I had ever imagined and had stemmed from past circumstances mostly childhood related. The discovery shook me up…and for a while I was numb. The next step was to find the solutions… as they rightly say the 1st crucial step to solving the problem is to identify it in the 1st place.

While I have begun to process of finding the solution with the faith that my heart, the universe and my teacher Prasad will guide me… I am very very happy that thanx to facing My Fears Head On I now know they are just a figment of my imagination and can be tackled with ease. And I can receive all that I desire and deep down I know I deserve!

Picture this ...

Picture this …Sitting by the Ocean on soft velvety sand, the gentle chilly breeze blowing from one direction just stopping by you as though holding u in a tight hug, the fire ball already settled itself in the comforting cool water of the ocean leaving behind an orangish pinkish trail at the horizon that gels so beautifully, just a shadow of the walkers that pass by you against the back drop of the twilight, the varying sounds of the waves with each rising and falling tide, two tiny boats floating aimlessly on the ocean far in the distance….humm ! Isn’t this the perfect evening …almost a dream come true specially on a working Friday evening.

It’s a pity, it was only possible as I was fed up of be trapped at home confined to my bed due to back ache. Why can’t I make it possible more often considering I stay near the beach and my office is near the beach a well.

However better late than never … I want to thank Mahendra for this realization and inspiring me. Last Tuesday evening when I called him he told me how he was fed up of sitting in front of the computer working all day so had stepped out to beach and was enjoying the waves, the beach and the breeze.

How simple it is to enjoy life’s pleasures yet how impossible we make it seem to achieve …

Is This Really Worth It ?

I have been home last 3 days with a severe back ache ( spasm of sorts )thanks to my negligence and ignoring the same last 1 month on the pretext that I don’t have the time… which has made me wonder if this rut called corporate life really worth it ?

We work hard …very hard, day & nights, ignoring ourselves, our health, our own life or loved ones.

What do we earn in return? Oh yes, lots of recognition, a fancy promotion, a title of some sorts (“Ms 24x7” I received from my clients which made me realize the pity state of my life- personal to be precise ), added responsibility for the well displayed commitment to the job and you set an example for others.

What more … a depleting personal life, disconnect with loved ones, their needs, time for our self, deter rating health, introduction to emotions like anxiety, irritation, anger, dissatisfaction, loosing sight of little pleasures of life that truly make us happy and much much more. Is all this really worth it ?

My ex colleague all of 33 yrs collapsed at a clients party due to a stroke and had to be rushed in for a by pass surgery, yet another college friend all of 29 yrs married just for a year was found dead from a stroke at hotel room on his biz trip, another colleague highly diabetic but working 24x 7 meeting client deadlines, not talking a break for him self for 2 yrs and more collapses with a stroke the 1st day of his vacation with his family. Another colleague all of 26 yrs …one of those Mr 24x 7 finds himself prescribed to 3 weeks bed rest and a threat if not followed to lead to a slip disc, another biz associate cum good friend ( all of 31 yrs …and single )who dazed me at a long scheduled shoot pumping 7 painkiller tablets due to no time to rest and post the shoot finding herself all alone in a PG appt , away from family fighting cervical spondalites and malaria attack …and nobody, mind you nobody to even know her state, until she managed to find the strength to pick the phone and ask a biz associate like me for desperate help. No seriously I ask again, is this really worth it ?

It just gets better …what do we do when we hear this? Thank our stars that it WASN’T US !! , make a sympathy call to the family of our colleague and then just forget the person as we get busy in our so called work life , We tell our self and people around that one must work hard but not take each task personally else we too will be victim of ill health , or add humor and say see that’s why we don’t grant long leave. And eventually get going in the same rut till some other eventuality occurs …I ask yet again is this really really worth it ?

What more …we fool ourselves by saying it’s a competitive world out there, we are part of the rut not out of choice but out of compulsion, for a moment just think of the sorry state we have reached …the moment we see some one satisfied and leading a normal life where he earns just about the money to satisfy his needs but enjoys a life beyond work we begin to question his ‘Fire’ in life and smirk back at him thinking what a looser he is … I ask yet again is this really really worth it ?

We have no time for anything that really provides us pleasure …little moments with our self, may be a walk by the beach enjoying the waves, enjoying every morsel of the meal cooked by our loved one with unconditional love, enjoying the giggles, innocent actionas and loving words of our little children in their wonderful growing up years, the pleasure of just sitting with our spouse holding hands and just enjoying each others presence in our lives. Or being with our parents and enjoying their warmth and love till they are with us.

I had read in a book that when we say that we can’t spare time for our self it is like saying …I have to get some where really important but I don’t have time to fill the gas in my car. Somewhere along the journey way the gas is sure to run out and then you will have to break down.

IS THIS ‘RUT’ REALLY WORTH IT ? Think about it …just as I am and its high time we realize where and how to the draw the line …

A Ride Back Home ...

Last nite as I rode back home with my junior Siraj, we talked about life in general and I happen to share how a close friends bitching about my driving skills that had upset me alot, the one who I always gave the credit for boosting my confidence when I had just begun to drive 2 years back.

Driving has been my passion and I remember how only my dearest papa understood it and believed in my little dream. As a kid I wanted to be truck driver coz it was the biggest vehicle I thought I could drive. The moment I turned 18, papa enrolled me to a driving school and bought a car that I could practice on …yes I did learnt and did drive around with papa in our blue Fiat. It was the happiest moment of my life! Being able to drive, that too, under my papa dearest guidance.

But I guess life had other plans…few months there after papa passed away. I still remember in those 3 months of the ICU he had mentioned to me “ Jaa gadi lekar aa mujhe ghar jana hai”. In that semi conscious state too he remembered my dream.

However with his untimely death came a pause to all my dreams. Life just seemed to stand still …infact after a while started slipping out of my fist like sand…we emotionally lost a lot and materialistically as well …Had to sell off the cars as my grand parents who in their best knowledge of the moment and protective nature didn’t want me to hurt myself with the car.

It felt like some one had pulled my life’s chain to a halt…a halt to my passions, interest, dreams and everything there was in my life.

Some how amazingly my dream of driving my own car some day just didn’t seem to die …got buried for a while…long while actually, yet remained in my heart. I always knew that I will have my car some day and will drive …didn’t know how it will happen but knew it will happen for sure some day. I often wondered who will hold my hand and teach me how to crawl, take baby steps and then run.

Though life closed the door on my face …it had opened small windows around. Along came people who stood by me, pampered me, pulled out all my buried dreams,and gave them wings. Sagar uncle, Renu mami ,Anand, Niki, Ruchi and Dilip uncle are the ones who strongly believed in my biggest dream “ My Car”. In their own little ways kept it alive in my heart …and after a long wait …came the great day when I managed to buy my own car …it was my life’s biggest achievement …step by step I re learnt to drive. I didn’t have papa with me all the time to guide but as and when some one corrected and guided me began to learn and gain confidence. Being with my car is always my happiest moment …yes I do miss Papa a lot and wish so many times that he could be here. Every time I drive I remind myself that even the most impossible dreams can come true only if we believe in it.

As I was sharing this with Siraj my life flashed in front of my eyes. Just then Siraj ( quite an interesting personality that he is .. to describe in short he is ‘Circuit’ from Munna bhai in his mumbaiya style of talking, mannerisms etc ..very clean hearted, jovial, team player, fun loving guy…one who can extend himself completely and unconditionally to help people he loves) started to talk to me . He said the most amazing things in his own Mumbaiya style he said …” Aap ko na ab gaadi chalana atta hai ..maast gadi chalte ho, magar ab aap ko na zara style se chalaneka, Ekdum confidence mein aur easy ho ke ..tension bilkul nahi lene ka, bhale dheere chalo magar confidence aur stle mein. Gaadi ko feel karne ka …steering wheel jab turn karte ho to usko feel karo, break jab lagate ho to usko feel karo, gaadi ki har movement aur awaaz ko feel karo,engine ki aawaz ko feel karo, wheel ke movement ko feel karo, cluch ko feel karo, drive ko feel karo, gaadi jab turn karti hai na usko feel karo …aap feel kar ke chaloge na to 100% apko bhaut maza ayengi , koi kuch bhi bole aap ekdun mast ho ke chalo”

I kept hearing him… acknowledging his words, carefully heard every bit of what he said and was trying to convey… this little master of mine unknowing was teaching me a lesson. He was trying to tell me to feel every experience, feel my passion and live it, feel each experience however good or bad, feel my dream as though they has already happened , feel every situation that life offers us without any regrets and soon I would realize life is beautiful and worth living …

Its amazing how that ride back home with the little master could teach me important lessons. Thank you Siraj for those simple yet effective words that I seem to understand more and more as I dwell on them. I shall surely try to live and experience every little thing that comes forth and enjoy it to the fullest. Thank you Universe for yet again pulling me out of the misery that I had created for myself with some loose remarks made by some one and instilling confidence back again

Newage Umrao Jaan !

While I totally hated the remake of Umrao Jaan starring Ashwariya Rai and Abhishiek Bachchan ...Gosh Ash how ever beautiful people think she is ...can just never match up ever to Rekha's grace and aada... the only saving grace of the film was brilliant performance by my all time favorite Shabana Azmi ( Bravo .. she was awesome !!)

However the story of Umrao Jaan did leave me disturbed ..."jo ab kiye ho daataa aisaa naa ki jo, agale janam mohe bitiyaa naa ki jo,jo ab kiye ho daataa aisaa naa ki jo " The words of this beautiful song haunted me ...

Urban world seems to believe that women have come a long way but the truth is, its not true ...reality bites us . And so did Shobha De article in the Times Of India yesterday. I am not being able to express what i feel ... the feeling that I am left behind after pondering on the life of a misfortunate woman ...

I love the way Shobha de has put forth that i guess are the thoughts in my mind ...

I love the part of her write ... "Umrao Jaan is betrayed by everyone- Her own family, the man she loves, Her crime? She sells her body- not out of choice , but compulsion. And the same body, which is her only currency, eventually betrays her too."

Also the part ..."Over a century has passed but attitudes remain stubbornly frozen- women have to be 'pure' when marry, and virgin still commands a premium in the competitive meat market we call marriage"

Read on ...

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

Manzil Muskil to kya,
Bundla Sahil to kya,
Tanha Ye Dil to Kya
Ho Hooo

Raah Pe Kante Bikhre agar,
Uspe to phir bhi chalna hi hai,
Saam Chhupale Suraj magar,
Raat ko ek din Dhalana hi hai,

Rut ye tal jayegi,
Himmat rang layegi,
Subha phir aayegi
Hoooo

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

Hogi hame to rehmat ada,
Dhup kategi saaye tale,
Apni khuda se hai ye Dua,
Manzil lagale humko gale

Zurrat so baar rahe,
Uncha Ikraar rahe,
Zinda har pyar rahe
Hoooo

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

This is a beautiful song from Nagesh Kuknoor's DOR ...its very inspirational and very impactful ...atleast made me think and gave me hope ... Bravo to the writer !!
Have put the link so that you can hear the song !
href="http://www.raaga.com/channels/hindi/movie/H001083.html">

Wise words than make me ponder ...

1) Choose what you want and get what you choose

2) You can't plan to have fun, you just have to seize the moment and live in it.

3) The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

4) The best friendship doesnt come when your together, it comes when your apart and when you realize that despite distances and silence ... friendship survives

5) Life gives you 3 answers, in 3 ways, it says Yes and gives you what you want, it says No and gives you something better, it says Wait and gives you the Best!

6) The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth."

7) Courage has Power, Genius and Magic !

8) You do not choose your Master .. it's the Master who chooses you.

9 ) Devotion is Oneness. Devotion = Trust + Surrender = Meditation

10) You have the power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strenght

Rumbling of the restless mind ?

The river never questions its flow about the direction to the shore …
The setting sun never questions if there will be another sunrise again…
The dark tunnel never questions if it will see light at the end of its journey…
The sapling never questions if it will grow into a mighty tree and bear juicy fruits someday…

Nature just flows and enjoys each moment of its journey without questioning …
And yet where ever the journey leads to always turns out to be for it’s best...

Then why am I questioning my new journey and its direction…?
Why am I letting unnecessary fears try to get a grip on me ?
Why am I not letting things just be and enjoy each moment of the journey without the fear of the destination

Yet another milestone !

Every birthday we grow a year older and wiser (I suppose!!) yet after we complete our teens we start dreading getting older. With each milestone we cross we tend to be vary … of what I am not too sure yet …

One such milestone is turning 30 …

I have been dreading it last 2 years …and with each day getting closer I just was so restless…Until last night when I celebrated my 30th birthday …Strange part is, now that I am HERE and NOW the fears just seemed so silly and meaningless. Fears of being Single, Fear of being left alone, fear of loosing that enthusiasm in life, Fear of failures and rejections, Fear of my life just being part of the rat race …running aimlessly not knowing where we are really heading, fear of loosing out on relationships etc

In the last few months I feel I have actually begun living a new life all over again …its almost as if I have been re born. All the above fears had gripped me so hard that one fine day I decided to break out of the confines and break free …I started with little steps towards creating the new life I wanted … and new doors kept opening up leading me towards this new life.

Though my key door was that opened to my master magicians house …Prasad’s house. That door has opened for me avenues that I didn’t believe I deserved or would ever be able to achieve …such as unconditional love, feeling of gratitude, feeling deserving, true happiness, release, awareness and acceptance to all circumstances and emotions, love for oneself, a big supportive family, faith, patience, being in the moment, abundance, miracles, making what one wants happen for oneself and much much more.

My 30th Birthday ( I like the way I can say it to myself with out that silly fear ) was by far the best birthday I have ever celebrated so far. It started with celebrations with my Reiki family where I was showered by best wishes, love and Reiki, then my family ( that entails my Mom,Sonal Niki and Meena surprising me at midnight with their wishes and gifts,then my office ( which has been like my 1st home ) colleagues, friends pampering and showering me with compliments, and finally spending a fun evening with family and close friends laughing, chatting, even dancing to the dhol ( that was awesome fun) at Phirangi Dhaba…and yes highlight of the evening was “ Down Memory Lane” a film that my 2 best friends Niki , Meena and my Sister Sonal have put together specially for me, which is a montage of pictures of me from childhood till date along with almost every important person and milestone of my life…it has the beautiful background score from KK “ Kal yaad ayeinge yeh Pal” .

I cant even explain how touched and happy I am to see this beautiful film…its truly a trip down memory lane which made me realize how enriched my life has become and how each and every person that touched my life and filled it with love, experiences, emotions, gratitude, and made it so beautiful and meaning full.

I have promised myself that from this milestone onwards I will lead a life in complete gratitude, acceptance and to the fullest ensuring that on the ‘D’ day when I look back I shall feel that I lived my life in the most beautiful way that there was.